QUOTATIONS and STORIES I'VE ENJOYED
Last Updated 05-26-10

A father is someone you look up to no matter how tall you grow.

Author Unknown

Be master of your petty annoyances and conserve your energies for the big, worthwhile things.
It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out - it's the grain of sand in your shoe.

Robert Service (1874-1958)

Positive Outlook

It is a great gift to be able to find the good in bad situations, and
it is a gift you can give yourself, if you choose to.

Many people, when they come upon a stumbling block or an obstacle in
their path, become discouraged and quit. But highly successful people
know how to turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones.

In December 1914, Thomas Edison's laboratories in West Orange, New
Jersey were almost entirely destroyed by fire. In one night, Edison
lost two million dollars worth of equipment and the records of most of
his life's work. The next morning, as he walked around the charred
embers of so many of his hopes and dreams, the sixty-seven year old
Edison said, "There is great value in disaster. All our mistakes are
burned up. Thank God, we can start anew."

The ability to see the benefits in bad situations will stand you in
good stead in every type of endeavor, whether it is sales or
manufacturing, art or aerospace, your personal or professional life.
Sometimes, this is a difficult thing to do. And sometimes, it can take
quite a while to manage - but it is manageable.

Now I don't mean you should pretend things are wonderful when, in
fact, they are bad. But, if you can accept pain and disappointment as
a part of life, if you can see it for what it is and then move past
it, if you can look disaster in the face and call it what it is, and
then find a blessing in it, you'll be making the best of bad times.


Winner's Circle Network - Lou Tice - 10/18/07

From Here's A Thought

I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird,
and not enough the bad luck of the early worm.

Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882-1945) U.S. President

Country 105FM

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.

The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

From Here's a Thought

A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities.
An optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties.

Reginald B. Mansell

The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.

Vince Lombardi

From WXP News

When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced.
Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice.

Cherokee Proverb

From the Daily Motivator

If you laugh a lot, when you get older your wrinkles will be in the right places.

Andrew Mason

From the Daily Motivator

We exist temporarily through what we take, but we live forever through what we give.

Douglas M. Lawson

Forgetfulness

There was an old couple who were always forgetting things. They were always forgetting milk at the grocery store, etc. So one day they decided to make a list of the things they need at the grocery store. They went to the grocery store with their list and didn't forget a single thing. The old couple were so proud of themselves, that they decided to celebrate.

"You know," the old man said, "I could really use an ice cream sundae right now with nuts, sprinkles, whipped cream, hot fudge, caramel, and a cherry on top."

The old woman says, "You know, that really sounds good. I'll go make it."

"You should make a list or you'll forget," the man warned.

"Oh no. This is so good I won't forget," she argued back.

The old woman goes into the kitchen and starts making the sundae. An half hour later she comes back out with eggs, bacon. sausages, pancakes, and hashbrowns.

The old man shakes his head and says: "I told you to make a list! You forgot the toast!"


--Seen on Country105.com

Irish Man

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

--Seen on Country105.com

The Bet

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."


--Seen on Country105.com

Something Positive

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice... "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."


--Seen on Joe-ks.com

Bathroom Mirror

A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem.

A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick
they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian
who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian,
she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched.

The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet,
and proceeded to scrub the mirror.

From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.

--Seen on Country105.com

Linguistics

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class.

"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive.
In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.
However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

--Seen on Country105.com

When Wishes Are Granted

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary.

During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish.

The wife wanted to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and poof - the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.

Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted.

He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me."

So the the fairy picked up her wand and poof - the husband was 90.

--Seen on Country105.com

Doctors Notes

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.

Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX


At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA


One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a "massive internal fart."

Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada


I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered
that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both
his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA


During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he
informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to
put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put
it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see . . .
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions
include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA


While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered...
"Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR


I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast
this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't
seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see
the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI


A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo
that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the
surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry,
had to mow the lawn."



A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing
female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed
a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was
performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed
him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I
tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling
was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Dr. wouldn't admit his name


--Sent to me by my co-worker, John Walker, August 27, 2004

Forgetfulness

An elderly couple has dinner at another couple's house and after eating, the wives leave the table and go into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen are talking and one says, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man says, "What's the name of the restaurant?" The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration and finally says to his companion, "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?" His friends replies, "A carnation?" "No. No. The other one," the man says. His friend offers another suggestion, "The poppy?" "Nahhhh," growls the man. "You know the one that is red and has thorns?" His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, yes that's it. Thank you !" ..the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

--Sent to me by Chris Reilly, March 16, 2004

There’s a difference between what you do and what you can do.

--Mark H. McCormack, Business executive
--From The Daily Motivator

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people,
than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

--Dale Carnegie (Seen while browsing My Learning Community)

We don't measure our life by the number of breaths we take
Rather by the moments that take our breath away.

--Sent to me by Tracy Miller, on her last day of work at The Commercial Airplane Company, September 30, 2003

The door to opportunity is marked “push.”

The Seeds in an Apple

Anyone can count the number of seeds in an apple, but only God can count the number of apples in a seed.

-- Robert H. Schuller

Running through the Rain

A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Wal-Mart. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Wal-Mart.

We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child come pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in "Mom, let's run through the rain," she said.

"What?" Mom asked.
"Let 's run through the rain!" She repeated.
"No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied.
This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run through the rain,"
"We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said.
"No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.
"This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?"
"Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!"

The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.

Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off, and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young childs' life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.

"Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said.

Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.

And yes, I did. I, too, ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories...So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday.

To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven.

--Sent to me by Carmella, on her last day of work at The Boeing Company, June 20, 2003

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"

" It was great, Dad."

"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.

"Oh yeah," said the son.

"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.

The son answered: "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."

The boy's father was speechless.

Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are."

Too many times, we forget what we have and concentrate on what we don't have. What is one's person's worthless object is another's prize possession? It is all based on one's perspective. Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for all the bounty we have instead of worrying about wanting more. Take joy and appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

-- Seen while browsing My Learning Community

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

--Frank Sinatra

One day the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally, there was a big uproar from the Jewish community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realised that they had no choice. They looked around for a champion who could defend their faith, but no one wanted to volunteer.

It was too risky. So they finally picked an old man named Moishe to represent them. Being old and poor, he had less to lose, so he agreed. He asked only for one addition to the debate. Not being used to saying very much, he asked that neither side be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.

Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine.

Moishe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, 'I give up - this man is too good. They can stay.'

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.

The Pope recounted: 'Well, it went like this. First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him, that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground, showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe, amazed that this old, almost feeble-minded man had done what all their scholars had insisted was impossible! 'What happened?' they asked. 'Well,' said Moishe, 'first he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.'

'And then?' asked a woman.

'I don't know,' said Moishe. 'He took out his lunch and I took out mine.'

-- Seen while browsing Lachlan Cranswick's Personal Homepage

Epitaphs

		East Dalhousie cemetery, Nova Scotia:
          		Here lies
          		Ezekial Aikle
          		Age 102
          		The Good
          		Die Young

		In a London, England cemetery:
          		Ann Mann
          		Here lies Ann Mann
          		Who lived an old maid
          		But died an old Mann
          		Dec. 8, 1767

		In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
          		Anna Wallace
          		The children of Israel wanted bread
          		And the Lord sent them manna
          		Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife
          		And the Devil sent him Anna.

		Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
          		Here lies
          		Johnny Yeast
          		Pardon me
          		For not rising

		Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
          		Here lies the body
          		of Jonathan Blake
          		Stepped on the gas
          		Instead of the brake

		In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
          		Here lays Butch,
          		We planted him raw.
          		He was quick on the trigger,
          		But slow on the draw.

		A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
          		Sacred to the memory of
          		my husband John Barnes
          		who died January 3, 1803
          		His comely young widow, aged 23, has
          		many qualifications of a good wife, and
          		yearns to be comforted.

		A lawyer's epitaph in England:
          		Sir John Strange
          		Here lies an honest lawyer,
          		And that is Strange.

		Stowe, Vermont:
          		I was somebody.
          		Who, is no business
          		Of yours.

		Boot Hill Cemetery, Tombstone, Arizona:
          		Here lies Lester Moore
          		Four slugs from a .44
          		No Les No More.

		John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
          		Reader if cash thou art
          		In want of any
          		Dig 4 feet deep
          		And thou wilt find a Penny.

		On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
          		She always said her feet were killing her
          		but nobody believed her.

		In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
          		On the 22nd of June
          		- Jonathan Fiddle -
          		Went out of tune.

		Anna Hopewell Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
          		Here lies the body of our Anna
          		Done to death by a banana
          		It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
          		But the skin of the thing that made her go.

		Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
          		Gone away
          		Owin' more
          		Than he could pay.

		Winslow, Maine:
          		In Memory of Beza Wood
          		Departed this life
          		Nov. 2, 1837
          		Aged 45 yrs.
          		Here lies one Wood
          		Enclosed in wood
          		One Wood
          		Within another.
          		The outer wood
          		Is very good:
          		We cannot praise
          		The other.

		On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
          		Under the sod and under the trees
          		Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
          		He is not here, there's only the pod:
          		Pease shelled out and went to God.

		Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania
          		Who was fatally burned
          		March 21, 1870
          		by the explosion of a lamp
          		filled with "R.E. Danforth's
          		Non-Explosive Burning Fluid"

		Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
          		Born 1903--Died 1942
          		Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
          		the car was on the way down. It was.

		In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
          		Here lies an Atheist
          		All dressed up
          		And no place to go.

		Dr. Fred Roberts, Brookland, Arkansas:
          		Office upstairs

Don't cry because it is over; smile because it happened.

-- Seen while browsing My Learning Community

I shall seek and find you...
I shall take you to bed and control you...
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan...
I will make you beg for mercy...
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you...
And you will be weak for days.


All my love,

The FLU

-- Seen while browsing My Learning Community

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

--Darrin Weinberg, seen on The Mouthpiece Newsletter

THE INTERVIEW WITH GOD

I dreamed I had an interview with God.

“So you would like to interview me?” God asked.

“If you have the time” I said.

God smiled. “My time is eternity.”
“What questions do you have in mind for me?”

“What surprises you most about humankind?”

God answered...
“That they get bored with childhood,
they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again.”

“That they lose their health to make money...
and then lose their money to restore their health.”

“That by thinking anxiously about the future,
they forget the present,
such that they live in neither the present nor the future.”

That they live as if they will never die,
and die as if they had never lived.”

God’s hand took mine and we were silent for a while.

And then I asked...
“As a parent, what are some of life’s lessons you want your children to learn?”

“To learn they cannot make anyone love them.
All they can do is let themselves be loved.”

“To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others.”

“To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness.”

“To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in those they love,
and it can take many years to heal them.”

“To learn that a rich person is not one who has the most,
but is one who needs the least.”

“To learn that there are persons who love them dearly,
but simply have not yet learned how to express or show their feelings.”

“To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it differently.”

“To learn that it is not enough that they forgive one another,
but they must also forgive themselves.”

"Thank you for your time," I said humbly.

"Is there anything else you would like your children to know?"

GOD smiled and said,
“Just know that I am here... always.”

--author unknown

--Sent to me by my good friend, Chris Reilly, April 21, 2003

--Experience a multimedia presentation of this poem at The Interview With God website

All The Good Things

One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name.

Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.

It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and, as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.

That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual.

On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. "Really?" she heard whispered. "I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!" and, "I didn't know others liked me so much." were most of the comments.

No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved on.

Several years later, one of the students was killed in Viet Nam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature.

The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.

As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. "Were you Mark's math teacher?" he asked. She nodded: "yes." Then he said: "Mark talked about you a lot."

After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher.

"We want to show you something," his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket. "They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it."

Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him.

"Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it."

All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home."

Chuck's wife said, "Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album."

"I have mine too," Marilyn said. "It's in my diary."

Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. "I carry this with me at all times," Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: "I think we all saved our lists."

That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.


The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be.

So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and important. Tell them, before it is too late.

Remember, you reap what you sow. What you put into the lives of others comes back into your own.

May your day be blessed and as special as you are...


--Sent to me by my good friend, Lisa Erickson, April 15, 2003

Washington Post Style Invitational

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2002 winners:

     Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

     Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

     Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

     Giraffiti: Vandalism painted very, very high.

     Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

     Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

     Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

     Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).

     Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

     Glibido: All talk and no action.

     Dopeer Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

And, the winner of the Washington Post's Style Invitational:

     Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a--hole

--Sent to me by Paul Zimmerman, April 13, 2003

A Conundrum

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap buttered toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

--by Steven Wright, Seen on the Laff-a-day newsletter

Cupcakes and Root Beer

By Julie A. Manhan

There once was a little boy who wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with cupcakes, several cans of root beer and started on his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he saw an elderly woman. She was sitting on a park bench watching the pigeons. The boy sat down next to her and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed the lady looked hungry so he offered her a cupcake. She gratefully accepted and smiled at him.

Her smile was so wonderful that he wanted to see it again, so he offered a root beer as well. Once again she smiled at him. The boy was delighted!

They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling without saying a word.

As it began to grow dark, the boy realized how tired he was and wanted to go home. He got up to leave but before he had gone no more than a few steps, he turned around and ran back to the old woman, giving her a big hug. She gave him her biggest smile ever.

When the boy arrived home his Mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked, "What has made you so happy today?" He replied, "I had lunch with God." Before his mother could respond he added, "You know what? She's got the most beautiful smile in the whole world!"

Meanwhile, the old woman, also radiant with joy, returned to her home. Her son was stunned by the look of peace on her face. He asked, "Mother, what has made you so happy today?" She replied, "I ate cupcakes in the park with God." And before her son could reply, she added, "You know, he is much younger than I expected."

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring; all of which have the potential to turn a life around.

People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

Take no one for granted and embrace all equally with joy!

--Seen on Inspiration Peak

Playing A Violin With Three Strings

By Jack Riemer

On Nov. 18, 1995, Itzhak Perlman, the violinist, came on stage to give a concert at Avery Fisher Hall at Lincoln Center in New York City.

If you have ever been to a Perlman concert, you know that getting on stage is no small achievement for him. He was stricken with polio as a child, and so he has braces on both legs and walks with the aid of two crutches. To see him walk across the stage one step at a time, painfully and slowly, is an awesome sight.

He walks painfully, yet majestically, until he reaches his chair. Then he sits down, slowly, puts his crutches on the floor, undoes the clasps on his legs, tucks one foot back and extends the other foot forward. Then he bends down and picks up the violin, puts it under his chin, nods to the conductor and proceeds to play.

By now, the audience is used to this ritual. They sit quietly while he makes his way across the stage to his chair. They remain reverently silent while he undoes the clasps on his legs. They wait until he is ready to play.

But this time, something went wrong. Just as he finished the first few bars, one of the strings on his violin broke. You could hear it snap - it went off like gunfire across the room. There was no mistaking what that sound meant. There was no mistaking what he had to do.

We figured that he would have to get up, put on the clasps again, pick up the crutches and limp his way off stage - to either find another violin or else find another string for this one. But he didn't. Instead, he waited a moment, closed his eyes and then signaled the conductor to begin again.

The orchestra began, and he played from where he had left off. And he played with such passion and such power and such purity as they had never heard before.

Of course, anyone knows that it is impossible to play a symphonic work with just three strings. I know that, and you know that, but that night Itzhak Perlman refused to know that.

You could see him modulating, changing, re-composing the piece in his head. At one point, it sounded like he was de-tuning the strings to get new sounds from them that they had never made before.

When he finished, there was an awesome silence in the room. And then people rose and cheered. There was an extraordinary outburst of applause from every corner of the auditorium. We were all on our feet, screaming and cheering, doing everything we could to show how much we appreciated what he had done.

He smiled, wiped the sweat from this brow, raised his bow to quiet us, and then he said - not boastfully, but in a quiet, pensive, reverent tone - "You know, sometimes it is the artist's task to find out how much music you can still make with what you have left."

What a powerful line that is. It has stayed in my mind ever since I heard it. And who knows? Perhaps that is the definition of life - not just for artists but for all of us.

Here is a man who has prepared all his life to make music on a violin of four strings, who, all of a sudden, in the middle of a concert, finds himself with only three strings; so he makes music with three strings, and the music he made that night with just three strings was more beautiful, more sacred, more memorable, than any that he had ever made before, when he had four strings.

So, perhaps our task in this shaky, fast-changing, bewildering world in which we live is to make music, at first with all that we have, and then, when that is no longer possible, to make music with what we have left.

--Seen on Inspiration Peak

The Cleaning Lady

During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one:

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say 'Hello'."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

--Seen on Inspiration Peak

Punctuation

An English professor wrote the following words on the blackboard:

"woman without her man is a savage"

Time Management

One day, an expert in time management was speaking to a group of business students and, to drive home a point, used an illustration those students will never forget.

As he stood in front of the group of high powered overachievers he said, "Okay, time for a quiz" and he pulled out a one gallon, widemouthed mason jar and set it on the table in front of him. He also produced about a dozen fist sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time, into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?" Everyone in the class yelled, "Yes." The time management expert replied, "Really?" He reached under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. He dumped some gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves down into the spaces between the big rocks. He then asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?" By this time the class was on to him. "Probably not," one of them answered."Good!" he replied.

He reached under the table and brought out a bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in the jar and it went into all of the spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the question, "Is this jar full?" "No!" the class shouted.

Once again he said, "Good." Then he grabbed a pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the brim. Then he looked at the class and asked, "What is the point of this illustration?" One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how full your schedule is, if you try really hard you can always fit some more things in it!"

"No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first, you'll never get them in at all. What are the 'big rocks' in your life, time with your loved ones, your faith, your education, your dreams, a worthy cause, teaching or mentoring others? Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never get them in at all.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards.
N A I V E

--Seen on Linda's Web Site

When School Projects Go Bad

A class of elementary students wanted to make a planter to take home and wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so it was decided to use cactus plants. The students planted the cactus seeds in the planters and they grew nicely but unfortunately they were not allowed to take the planters home.

A look at the photo below explains why.

The cactus plants were removed and small ivy plants replaced them and the children were then allowed to take them home.
The cactus plants had seemed like a good idea at the time...

Cactus Planter Photo

--Seen on the Smoke Rings web site

Complex Logic

Imagine you are a taxi driver and you are driving a 1978 yellow cab. Your passengers are an older couple, and they want to travel 6 miles. You are driving at 40 miles per hour with the tank one-third full, when, 2 miles into the trip, the tank is down to one-quarter full. Ten minutes later, the trip is over. What is the name and age of the cab driver?





Answer: At the beginning of the article it says that you are the cab driver, therefore the answer is your name and age.

-- Seen on Funzone.com

Maturity

Maturity is:
      The ability to stick with a job until it's finished.
      The ability to do a job without being supervised.
      The ability to carry money without spending it.
      And the ability to bear an injustice without wanting to get even.

-- A newspaper clipping from Dear Abby, posted in our kitchen for years

Dance Like No One Is Watching

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage.

We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, when we retire. The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now. If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway.

One of my favorite quotes comes from Alfred D. Souza. He said,
"For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfininshed business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. "

This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have. And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time...and remember that time waits for no one.

So stop waiting until:
      you finish school,
      you go back to school,
      you lose ten pounds,
      you gain ten pounds,
      you have kids,
      your kids leave the house,
      you start work,
      you retire,
      you get married,
      you get divorced,
      Friday night,
      Sunday morning,
      you get a new car or home,
      your car or home is paid off,
      spring,
      summer,
      fall,
      winter,
      the first or fifteenth
      your song comes on,
      you've had a drink,
      you've sobered up,
      you die,
      Until you are born again...
to decide that there is no better time than right now to be happy.

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

Thought for the day:

      Work like you don't need money,
      Love like you've never been hurt,
      And Dance Like No One's Watching!

- Author Unknown, Seen on David Strasser's web site (http://www.geocities.com/dstrasserusa/)

First Grade Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs.
She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb,
and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than................................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the......................................bug is close.
It's always darkest before............... ............Daylight Savings Time.
Never underestimate the power of......................termites.
You can lead a horse to water but.....................how?
Don't bite the hand that................. ............looks dirty.
No news is............................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a................................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new........................math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll.....................stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.......................................me.
The pen is mightier than the..........................pig.
An idle mind is.......................................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's...........................pollution.
Happy the bride who...................................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is......................................not much.
Two's company, three's................................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what......................you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and....you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as..................................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.......................spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed.........................get new batteries.
You get out of something what you.....................see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind......................get out of the way.
Better late than......................................pregnant.

An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."

From the back of the room a voice called out, "Yeah? So, what are the words?"

--Seen on the Laff-a-day newsletter

The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions -- the little, soon-forgotten charities of a kiss or smile, a kind look or heartfelt compliment.
   Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772-1834)
   Poet and philosopher

-- From The Daily Motivator

What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.
   Zig Ziglar

-- From The Daily Motivator

Difficult Decisions
Poor Johnson had spent his life making wrong decisions. If he bet on a horse, it would lose; if he chose one elevator rather than another, it was the one he chose that stalled between floors; the line he picked before the bank teller’s cage never moved; the lane he chose in traffic crawled; the day he picked the picnic was the day of a cloudburst; and so it went, day after day, year after year.

Then, once, it became necessary for Johnson to travel to some city a thousand miles away and do it quickly. A plane was the only possible conveyance that would get him there in time, and it turned out that only one company supplied only one flight that would do. His heart bounded. There was no choice to make! And if he made no choice, surely he could come to no grief.

He took the plane.

Imagine his horror when, midway in the flight, the plane’s engines caught fire and it became obvious the plane would crash in moments.

Johnson broke into fervent prayer to his favorite saint , Saint Francis. He pleaded, "I have never in my life made the right choice. Why this should be, I don’t know, but I have borne my cross and have not complained. On this occasion, however, I did not make a choice; this was the only plane I could take and I had to take it. Why, then, am I being punished?"

He had no sooner finished when a giant hand swooped down out of the clouds and somehow snatched him from the plane. There he was, miraculously suspended two miles above the earth’s surface, while the plane spiraled downward far below.

A heavenly voice came down from the clouds. "My son, I can save you, if you have in truth called upon me."

"Yes, I called on you," cried Johnson. "I called on you, Saint Francis!"

"Ah," said the heavenly voice, "Saint Francis Xavier or Saint Francis of Assisi. Which?"

--Seen on the Laff-a-day newsletter

The Master's Hands
There was an auction in a small town and the next item to be auctioned off was a dust covered fiddle and a bow.

The auctioneer announced, "How much will you bid for this fiddle and this bow?"

The bids came slowly and gradually reached $10.

The auctioneer was ready to bang the gavel to complete the sale, when an elderly man in shabby clothes came up and tugged on his sleeve.

They whispered for a short time and the auctioneer finally gave in to the man.

The man walked up and took a handkerchief out of his pocket to polish the fiddle and to dust-off the bow.

That old man began playing the most beautiful music that the town had ever heard. As he finished he handed the fiddle back to the auctioneer.

The auctioneer walked up to the microphone and announced "How much will you bid on this magnificent violin and this exquisite bow?"

The bidding was fast and furious and that violin sold for ten thousand dollars.

What was the difference between that fiddle and the magnificent violin?

The touch of the master's hands.

Are you the master?

I hope you don't take as long as I did to let this lesson sink in.

Stop selling steaks and start selling the sizzle.

--Seen whatUseek Weekly Ezine

World's Funniest Joke
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

--Seen on MSN, submitted by Gurpal Gosall, from Manchester, northern England

Simple Addition
The first grade teacher. Miss Johanson asked Little Bennie, "Bennie if I gave you two bunnies, and then two more bunnies and then two more bunnies, how many would you have?"

Bennie replied, "Seven bunnies, Miss Johanson."

The teacher asked again, "Listen very carefully, Bennie, If I gave you two bunnies, plus two more bunnies, plus two more bunnies, how many bunnies would you have altogether?"

Bennie smiled, "That's easy, Teacher, I would have seven."

"Ok Bennie," Miss Johanson said. "Let's try it a different way. If I gave you two cans of Coke, plus two more cans of Coke, plus two more cans of Coke. How many cans of Coke would you have?"

"Six cans," Bennie answered.

"OK," said the teacher. "Now think of that with this question. If I gave you two bunnies, then two more bunnies, then two more bunnies, how many would you have?"

"Seven, Teacher." Bennie replied.

Exasperated, Miss Johanson asked, "Why seven?"

Bennie replied, "Because I already have one bunny at home!"

Kid Talk
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

The Finishing Touch
by Donna P., Houston, Texas, USA

At 27 years old, I began getting angry, then my anger turned into rage. Issues of my past had been dealt with, or so I thought. Yet, maybe I was angry at my father because I perceived him as angry person who verbally battered me. To discover the reason for the anger, therapy was necessary.

In January 1994, my journey began. Some of my rage came from my perceptions of my father. The primary cause seemed to be residual feelings from childhood sexual abuse. One of the healing projects offered as therapy was to make a collage, something to expel the hurt, pain and rage that I felt as a result of childhood sexual abuse by family members. I knew this project was for me, and I started saving magazines and newspapers. I bought special crayons, glue and special tape. During months of preparation I cut out pictures, letters and words from newspapers. I tried to replicate every childhood drawing I'd done. Every part of my being went into this.

My husband was so patient and accepting during this time, especially when it came to the day that I made my collage. I had to do this by myself, but I couldn't be alone. My husband sat quietly in the room with me while I cut, glued, colored, pasted and cried. He sat so calmly, with such love.

After hours of work, gallons of glue, and oceans of tears, I stood up, achy, but proud and tall. I showed my husband what I'd done, to share with him this healing that I had earned and deserved. He stared for what seemed an eternity. He asked if he could put something on it. I couldn't believe that he would be so intrusive to want to "mess up" my work. Then I stopped. "He needs this too," I thought. "He's listened to me, been there for me, and caught so many tears."

I thought he'd draw a stick figure, or write something funny, but what he did changed my life forever. He walked to the bathroom medicine cabinet and came back carrying something small. I asked what it was; he just said to wait. Taking my posterboard to the table, he bent over for a minute and came back to me. I looked and stared in total disbelief. The profundity of what he'd done went immediately to my heart, and the healing tears flowed more than ever. I began another part of a wonderful journey in my life.

What did he do? He took a small Band-Aid and placed it in a very small corner. With a red crayon, he wrote LOV, the O being a heart. My life truly was forever changed, in how I perceived myself and people, and what I believed people thought of me. One small Band-Aid, and I knew my past could never again prevent me from being loved.

--From July 14, 2000, Heroicstories.com
  Click here for a free subscription

Every day, an old man walked the beach with a pail, picking up starfish that had been washed in by the tide, and throwing them back into the sea.
One day a young boy stopped the old man and asked, "Why do you throw the starfish back? It doesn't matter. They will only wash up on the shore again tomorrow."
The old man picked a starfish out of his pail, threw it as far as he could into the sea, and replied...
"It mattered to that one."

The reputation of a thousand years may be determined by the conduct of one hour.
--Japanese Proverb

This is a singles ad which appeared in a local paper:

SBF (single, black, female) Seeks Male companionship. Age and ethnicity unimportant. I'm a young, svelte, good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting/camping/fishing trips. I love cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call 555-2525 and ask for Daisy.

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

--Seen on Rec.Humor.Funny.com

If you haven't all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don't have that you didn't want.
---Anonymous

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
  - Thomas Edison

FAULTY EXPLANATION

A couple planned to go out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, were all dressed up, and had just put the cat out when the taxi arrived. As the couple opened the door to leave, the cat shot back into the house. Not wanting to leave the cat shut in the house, the husband went back in to chase it out while the wife went out to the waiting taxi. The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

- Seen on Free4all.com

MIXED-UP RELATIONSHIPS

Many, many years ago
When I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
Who was as pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
With locks of hair so red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me oh-so blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her sweet grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

- Seen on the.mouthpiece

JAPANESE PROVERB

Vision without action is a daydream.
Action without vision is a nightmare.

- Seen on Daily Motivator

CRAZY THOUGHTS

Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?

What happened to Channel 1 on TV?

Why are there dents in a golf ball?

Why are the obituaries found in the "living" section of the newspaper?

How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?

When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'.

What would happen if you put a humidifier and a dehumdifier in the same room?

Are one handed people offended when police tell them to put their hands up?

If you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back in time would the parts you use dissapear because they didn't exist then?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth?

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?

What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?

What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?


- Seen on the.mouthpiece

MORE KID TALK

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's art work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

DETECTIVE TRAINING

Three guys were pulled out of detective training for special attention, because they were not very bright. The police chief was interrogating them to determine if they were smart enough to become detectives. If not, they couldn't continue with the training. Things had not gone well so far.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first detective a picture for five seconds and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture only shows his PROFILE." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for five seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy laughs, rolls his eyes and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his PROFILE! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "..think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well that is an interesting answer... wait here a few minutes while I check this file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes into his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow, I can't believe it..it's true! The suspect does in fact wear contacts. Good Work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

  -Seen on shagmail.com

Flustered
Leaving Pensacola, we decided to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go into the washroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice from the other stall: "Hi there, how is it going?"

Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say, but, finally, I say: "Not bad."

Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?"

I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm on my way to Biloxi."

Then I hear the person, all flustered, say: "Look, I'll call you back - every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."

  - Seen on Laff-a-day.com

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

This is what he wrote: "What chair?"

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

  - Seen while browsing My Learning Community

Attitude Is Everything

Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive personall of the time. How do you do it?"

Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.' I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life."

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."

I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local traumacenter.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wannasee my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone throughhis mind as the robbery took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry. "She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes,' I replied.The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply..I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

  -Author: Francie Baltazar-Schwartz, found on Life Mentoring

A Heart For Children

One hundred years from now
It will not matter
What kind of car I drove,
What kind of house I lived in,
How much I had in my bank
Nor what my clothes looked like.

One hundred years from now
It will not matter
What kind of school I attended,
What kind of typewriter I used,
How large or small my church,
But the world may be
... a little better because...
I was important
in the life
of a child.

  - Unknown Author, seen on Life Mentoring

Never believe that a few caring people can’t change the world. For, indeed, that’s all who ever have.

  - Anthropologist MARGARET MEAD

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

  -- Found on the Ganns.com Website

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie.Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."

"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.

He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the chicken began to squirm so the old farmer unzipped his pants to let Chuckie stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all."

"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"

  -- Found on the Smoke Rings Website

From the "Washington Post Style Invitation", in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns. Readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice, and explain their reasons. The best submissions:

SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male.
Even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS -- female.
They always go to the bathroom in pairs.

TIRE -- male.
It goes bald and often is over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON -- male.
To get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it ... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES -- female.
They are soft and squeezable, and they retain water.

WEB PAGE -- female.
It is always getting hit on.

SHOE -- male.
It is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER -- female.
Once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. And it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS -- male.
They hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SUBWAY -- male.
It uses the same old lines to pick up people.

HOURGLASS -- female.
Over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER -- male.
It hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL -- female.
Ha! You thought I'd say male, but consider this: it gives man pleasure; he'd be lost without it; and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

There are just two rules for success:
  1. Never tell all you know.

- Roger H. Lincoln, Writer

Miracles are instantaneous, they cannot be summoned, but come of themselves, usually at unlikely moments and to those who least expect them.

- Katherine Anne Porter

If you would not be forgotten as soon as you are dead, either write things worth reading or do things worth writing.

- Franklin

The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they’re still alive.

- O. A. BATTISTA Scientist and writer

Today is the tomorrow you looked forward to yesterday.

- Author Unknown

Old Time Phone

When I was very young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember well the polished old case that was fastened to the wall, and the shiny receiver on the side of the box.

I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother would talk to it.

Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was "Information Please", and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please" could supply anybody's number and the correct time.

My first personal experience with this genie-in-a-bottle came while my mother was visiting a neighbor. I was amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement when I whacked my finger with a hammer. The pain was terrible, but there didn't seem to be any reason in crying because there was no one home to give me sympathy. I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway.

The telephone!

Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and held it to my ear.

"Information Please", I said into the mouthpiece just above my head.

A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear.

"Information."

"I hurt my finger", I wailed into the phone. The tears came readily enough, now that I had an audience.

"Isn't your mother home? Came the question.

"Nobody's home but me," I blubbered.

"Are you bleeding?" the voice asked.

"No," I replied. "I hit my finger with a hammer and it hurts."

"Can you open your icebox?" she asked.

I said I could.

"Then chip off a piece of ice and hold it to your finger," said the voice.

After that, I called "Information Please" for everything. I asked her for help with my geography and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math. She told me that my pet chipmunk, which I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.

Then there was the time Pretty, our pet canary died. I called "Information Please" and told her the sad story. She listened, then said the usual thing grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was inconsolable.

I asked her, "Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?"

She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, "You must remember that there are other worlds to sing in."

Somehow, I felt better.

Another day I was on the telephone. "Information Please", I asked. "Information," said the now familiar voice.

"How do you spell fix?'" I asked.

All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston. I missed my friend very much. "Information Please" belonged in that old wooden box back home and somehow I never thought of trying the tall, new shiny phone that sat on the table in the hall.

As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me. Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding and kind she was to have spent her time on a little child.

A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about half-an-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then, without thinking about what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said," Information Please."

Miraculously, I heard the small clear voice I knew so well.

"Information."

I hadn't planned this, but I heard myself saying, "Could you please tell me how to spell fix?"

There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, "I guess your finger must be healed by now."

I laughed, "So it's really still you," I said. "I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?"

"I wonder," she said, "if you know how much your calls meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls."

I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister. "Please do," she said. "Just ask for Sally."

Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered, "Information."

I asked for Sally.

"Are you a friend?" she said.

"Yes, a very old friend," I answered.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this," she said. Sally had been working part time in the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago."

Before I could hang up she said, "Wait a minute. Are you Paul?"

"Yes."

"Well, Sally left you a message. I wrote it down in case you called when she was too sick to work. Let me read it to you."

The note said, "Tell him I still say there are other worlds to sing in. He'll know what I mean."

I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.

Never underestimate the impression you make on others.

    - Author Unknown
     Sent to me by Marilyn J. Hall
     February 2002

Let your secret sympathies and your compassion be always with the underdog in the fight -- this is magnamimity;
but bet on the other one -- this is business.

- Mark Twain

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts?" and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person that drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't if follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call the resulting company Fed UP?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Ever wonder what the speed of lighting would be if it didn't zigzag?

CALLING IN SICK

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast, when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I'm scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.

"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

If they had only known.

- Sent to me by Valorie, November 2001

WHAT IS LOVE?

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen," Bobby - age 5

Author Unknown, seen on Lifeuncommon.org

KEEP YOUR FORK

There was a woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order", she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.

The woman also requested to be buried with her favorite Bible. Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.

"There's one more thing," she said excitedly.

"What's that?"came the pastor's reply.

"This is very important," the woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."

The pastor stood looking at the woman, not knowing quite what to say.

"That surprises you, doesn't it?" the woman asked.

"Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor.

The woman explained. "In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!"

"So, I just want people to see me there in the casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder, "What's with the fork?"

Then, I want you to tell them:

"Keep your fork....The best is yet to come".

The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She KNEW that something better was coming.

At the funeral people were walking by the woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and her favorite Bible and the fork placed in her right hand.

Over and over, the pastor heard the question, "What's with the fork?"

And over and over he smiled.

During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.

He was right.

So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you oh so gently, that the best is yet to come!

Author Unknown, seen in the "Old Farmer's 2002 Almanac"

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year that "...it will be a cold day in Hell before I give you my number" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in aquiring her number, then 2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only "A".

(Note: This is apparently an urban legend!)

"People may not always remember exactly what you did or what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel."

Author unknown, found as a tag line on MSN Tech & Gadgets, June 2001

**************************

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us." Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if it means sending it back to the person who sent it to you. If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends. YOU ARE MY FRIEND. Now send this to every friend you have! And send it to your family. This was sent to me.

Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole in your fence.

Sent from Tina Harrison, April 2000

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'To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.'

**************************

Are you a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime?

Pay attention to what you read. After you read this, you will know the reason it was sent to you! People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on. When people come into your life for a SEASON it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real, but only for a season! LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being a part of my life.

Sent to me from Anne Zimmerman, March 2001

**************************

It is said an eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him with the words, 'And this, too, shall pass away.' How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction!

**************************

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those timid souls who know neither victory or defeat."

Theodore Roosevelt

**************************

When it was announced that Barbara Bush was to be the 1990 commencement speaker at Wellesley College, the decision was rudely received. Some felt her only accomplishment was President’s wife and First Lady. However, the First Lady quickly won over her hostile audience with the following observation:

"Somewhere out in this audience may even be someone who will one day follow in my footsteps and preside over the White House as the Present’s spouse. I wish him well."

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Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?"

Leon: "Yes, your honor."

Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your name is Leon Shitferbrains, is it?"

Leon: "Yes, your honor."

Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. Shitferbrains?"

Leon: "Melvin, your honor."

   -- seen on Laff-a-Day.com

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"An 80-year old man goes to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells him, ‘You are in terrific shape. There’s nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. By the way, how old was your father when he died?’ The 80-year old patient responded, ‘Did I say he was dead?’ The doctor couldn’t believe it! So he said, ‘Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?’ The 80-year old patient responded again, ‘Did I say he was dead?’ The doctor was astonished. He said, ‘You mean to tell me you’re 80 years old and both your father and grandfather are still alive?’ ‘Not only that,’ said the patient, ‘my grandfather is 126 years old, and next week he’s getting married for the first time!’ The doctor said, ‘After 126 years of being a bachelor, why on earth did your grandfather want to get married?’ His patient looked up at the doctor and said, ‘Did I say he wanted to?’"

--As told by William Lederer, Author of "I, Giorghios"

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The manager asked his new secretary, Miss Smith, "Why don’t you ever answer the telephone?" "Why should I?" said Miss Smith. "Nine times out of ten, it’s for you!"

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Hylton’s Rule: No job is too small to botch.

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I’m reminded of the fellow who was once introduced at a similar meeting as the most gifted business man in the country--evidenced by the fact that "he had made a million dollars in California oil." When he rose to speak, he appeared a bit embarrassed. The facts as reported were essentially correct, he said, but he felt compelled to state that it wasn’t oil…it was coal…and it wasn’t California, it was Pennsylvania…and just to keep the record straight, it wasn’t a million…it was a hundred thousand…and it wasn’t him…it was his brother…and he didn’t make it…he lost it! Matters of fact aside, though, I’m grateful for those kind words and for this opportunity to talk with you today.

--As told by David Roderick, Chairman, US Steel

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One night at sea, the ship’s captain saw what looked like the lights of another ship heading toward him. He had his signalman blink to the other ship: "Change your course 10 degrees south." The reply came back: "Change your course 10 degrees north." The ship’s captain answered: "I am a captain. Change your course south." To which the reply was: "Well, I am a seaman first class. Change your course north." This infuriated the captain, so he signaled back: "Dammit, I say change your course south. I’m on a battleship!" To which the reply came back: "And I say change your course north. I’m in a lighthouse."

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"If you think you are beaten, you are. If you think you dare not, you don’t. If you like to win but think you can’t, it’s almost a cinch you won’t. If you think you’ll lose, you’ve lost. For out in the world we find success begins with a fellows will, it’s all in the state of mind. If you think you are outclassed, you are. You’ve got to think high to rise, you’ve got to be sure of yourself before you can ever win a prize. Life’s battle doesn’t always go to the stronger or faster man; but sooner or later the man who wins is the man who thinks he can."

Walter D. Wintle, For Christ & Country

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"Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy. O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved, as to love: for it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life."

Prayer of St. Francis

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When you walk through a storm, hold your head up high, and don’t be afraid of the dark. For at the end of the storm lies a golden sky and the sweet silver song of a lark…walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain, though your dreams be tossed and blown…walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart and you’ll never walk alone…you’ll never walk alone!

Words from "You’ll Never Walk Alone," Righteous Brothers

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"What makes a happy marriage? It is a question which all men and women ask one another…. The answer is to be found, I think, in the mutual discovery, by two who marry, of the deepest need of the other’s personality, and the satisfaction of that need."

Pearl Buck

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"Bob,

We really didn’t have much fun in Harsh’s class (history), or in Jasper’s (science), or in anybody else’s. But that's O.K. We had fun in the library and in.....; well, so we didn’t have much fun. I hate you, as a matter of fact, for two major reasons: (1) you ruined a curve on the 3rd quarter final in science, (2) you made 500-page notebooks for all of your classes. I don’t even know why I’m signing this, now that I think of it, I hate you so much. But then other times I thought you were a neat guy, like when you weren’t in my Geometry class, and when you weren’t in my Journalism class, and such. Really, I’m sorry you’re moving but I’m sure you’re not. After all, living by that lake (Pine Lake, I guess it is) and everything… Maybe I’ll see you sometime this summer, and maybe I won’t, but that doesn’t matter. I’ll always remember the fun we had in the 9th grade with Nancy. I would say ‘good luck,’ but I won’t because you won’t need it. You’re intelligent and have a good sense of humor as well as a wonderful personality. As a matter of fact, I hope I’m never in any of your classes again, because of competition and everything. Keep up the good work through high school, and after, when you go to get your higher education. I bet you’re really sorry to leave Mr. Greñion and his wonderful lectures, that are usually very, very gory, and his clever, ever so witty sense of humor. I bet, also, that when you grow up you will be a great mathematician or a great American, like Zsa Zsa Gabore and her friends. Hasta luego, how the Spanish say, and good luck always. To a good student, and a good friend always."

Entry in my class yearbook by Dick Butterfield (1965)

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"Every child in all the world looks upon his mother and sees the most beautiful woman in the world, even though many mothers are not beautiful. Do you know why this is so? The child looks with love, and sees love returned. Love is what makes beauty..."

Tom Clancy, Clear and Present Danger

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"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart!"

Helen Keller

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"If you move out to another human being, there is always the risks that that person will move away from you, leaving you more painfully alone than you were before. Love anything that lives—a person, a pet, a plant—and it will die. Trust anybody and you may be hurt; depend on anyone and that one may let you down. The price of cathexis (love) is pain. If someone is determined not to risk pain, then such a person must do without many things: having children, getting married, the ecstasy of sex, the hope of ambition, friendship—all that makes life alive, meaningful and significant. Move out or grow in any dimension and pain as well as joy will be your reward. A full life will be full of pain. But the only alternative is not to live fully or not to live at all."

M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled, p. 133

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"We have spoken in various ways about how difficult it is to grow up. A very few march unambivalently and unhesitatingly into adulthood, ever eager for new and greater responsibilities. Most drag their feet and in fact never become more than partial adults, always shrinking from the demands of total adulthood. So it is with spiritual growth, which is inseparable from the process of psychological maturation. For the call to grace in its ultimate form is a summons to be one with God, to assume peership with God. Hence it is a call to total adulthood. We are accustomed to imagining the experience of conversion or sudden call to grace as an ‘Oh, joy!’ phenomenon. In my experience, more often than not it is, at least partially, an ‘Oh, shit’ phenomenon. At the moment we finally listen to the call we may say, ‘Oh, thank you, Lord’; or we may say, ‘O Lord, I am not worthy’; or we may say, ‘O Lord, do I have to?’

M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled, p. 305

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But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous,
But let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone
Though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.

Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

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"…a secret…should always have a confidant, a bosom friend, to whom we may communicate the joy of it, or the grief of it, be it which it will, or it will be a double weight upon the spirits, and perhaps become even insupportable in itself; and this I appeal to all human testimony for the truth of."

from Moll Flanders by Daniel Defoe

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"So true is it, that the greatest of spirits, when overwhelmed by their afflictions, are subject to he greatest dejections, and are the most apt to despair and give themselves up."

from Moll Flanders by Daniel Defoe

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"When I was young, I set out to change the world. When I grew a little older, I perceived that this was too ambitious so I set out to change my state. This, too, I realized as I grew older was too ambitious, so I set out to change my town. When I realized I could not even do this, I tried to change my family. Now as an old man, I know that I should have started by changing myself. If I had started with myself, maybe then I would have succeeded in changing my family, the town, or even the state— and who knows, maybe even the world!"

Words of a Chassidic rabbi on his deathbed

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A man just got married in Iowa. Immediately after the service, the groom took out his wallet and asked the priest how much the bill was. The priest said "Son, that's not how we do things out here. You pay me according to the bride's beauty. The groom said O.K. and handed the priest a one dollar bill. The priest then lifted the veil, upon which he quickly dug into his pocket while saying "Hold on while I get your 50 cents change."

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