The following experiences
all happened to me and make me laugh now as I look
back on them. I hope you find them enjoyable as
well!
Boating
When you and your girlfriend go for a ride in a
twelve-foot wooden boat on Pine Lake, don't try to
impress her with the speed of the boat or with your
ability to run it in circles. Remember that the
outboard motor puts out more power than you might
suspect. Don't try to jump the waves made by the
boat's wake. When the boat hits a large wave on an
angle, it thrashes you about, causing you fall out
of the boat. Your girlfriend is left to try to
figure out how to stop the boat while you thrash
about helplessly in the lake. It also causes the
neighbors on shore to call out asking if you are
OK. It's very embarrassing and quite difficult to
get back into the boat, wet clothes and all. Your
girlfriend will not be impressed.
Hauling Wood
When you park your pickup truck on a hill and fill
it with firewood, be sure that the truck has an
effective emergency brake or that you have a helper
who can drive the truck. Don't rely on the sticks
of wood behind the wheels to keep it from rolling
down the hill. When it is time to haul the wood
home, you have to kick out the wood from behind the
wheels. And, because there is no one driving the
truck, it starts to roll on its own, making it
impossible to get back into the truck to steer it.
You have to watch helplessly as it rolls wildly
down the hill and finally crashes into the ditch.
You then have to unload the truck, figure out how
to get it out of the ditch and repair the
damage.
Falling a tree
When cutting a tree in the forest, don't assume
that the weight of the tree will keep it from
getting caught up in the branches of the
neighboring trees. When it does get snagged, you
can cut another section off and hope that it falls
to the ground. When that doesn't work, you can pry
on the tree and cut it a third time. Unfortunately
you don't realize that you now are falling the tree
in the opposite direction and it will take down the
power lines and block the road.
Yellow Jacket
Wasps
It is not wise to throw rocks at a nest of yellow
jacket wasps in an old tree stump. It makes them
very upset and they spread out from the tree stump
looking for the cause of the destruction. Then,
when you try to sneak up close to the stump to
throw in a baggie filled with gasoline, they fly
into your face and sting you under the eyes and
crawl into your pants. This causes you to run
wildly through the forest beating at your head and
pants. The hive of wasps is still in the stump and
your face and legs swell with the pain of their
stings. Your friends, who were watching from a
distance, are in pain as well trying to catch their
breath from laughing.
Bulldozers
When it's the weekend and you find a bulldozer with
a key in its ignition, don't play with it to see if
it will start. Even though it doesn't start on the
first couple of attempts, and even though it's fun
to look at the smoke that comes out of the
smokestack, it eventually will start. And, when it
does, you have to watch as it rolls forward on its
own toward the new house that is being built.
Hopefully you will be lucky enough to have it hit a
pile of bricks and stop before it reaches the
house.
Painting
When painting the outside of a house and using an
extension ladder, have the proper equipment to hold
the gallon of latex paint that you are using. Don't
set it on the roof of the house, especially if the
roof has a steep pitch. When you hear a sliding
noise coming from the roof, it will be the can of
paint sliding towards the edge. And when it hits
the edge of the roof, it will tip over before you
can catch it. Unfortunately you are just in the
right position for it to spill over your entire
face, head and body. It is very embarrassing to
have to call the homeowner to come out, get the
garden hose, and spray you down to remove the
paint. Your clothes will be forever tainted from
the paint and it's a quick way to lose the trust of
your employer.
Tree limbs
When cutting tree limbs with a chain saw from a
huge cedar tree, be sure that you have adequate
support. Don't use an extension ladder leaned
against the limb that you are cutting. When the
limb unexpectedly breaks, you are thrown off
balance. To keep from falling, you are forced to
drop the saw to the ground. Chain saws do not do
well when they smash into the ground from such a
height.
Rolling large firewood
rounds
When you are cutting firewood from a tree that is
on a steep slope, be careful how you roll the
sections of the logs to get them to the road below.
Be especially careful when you have left your
chainsaw on the road because a two-hundred-pound
chunk of wood, even when it has almost stopped
rolling, can still crack the handle of your
chainsaw when it tips over on it. Also, be aware
that when the firewood rounds crash through the
forest, they may disturb nests of yellow jackets.
When you follow the path of the rounds down the
hill, the wasps will find you and take out their
anger by getting into your shirt, pants and hair.
You don't feel like cutting more wood when there
are welts all over your body.
Taking a short cut
When you've been out late at night and are very
tired, be aware that there are animals that may
dart out onto the road. When a cat jumps in front
of the car, use the break effectively. Don't swerve
the car and drive it into the ditch. And, when it
is in the ditch and you can't drive it out, you
might be lucky to be only a mile from home.
However, don't take a short cut across an open
field when you are unaware of the stretched
barbwire fence in the middle of it. When you are
jogging and tired you will not see the wire and it
will trip you, causing you to hit the ground and
skin up your elbows and knees. You can't jog very
fast with those bumps and bruises.
Plumbing fixtures
When you are attempting to fix a leaky kitchen
faucet, don't keep trying to tighten the copper
fittings on the valves. You will eventually strip
the threads and the pressure of the water will
shoot the fitting from its socket causing water to
gush out in a huge fountain, spraying everything in
the kitchen, including you. Besides, it's not
enjoyable to dive into the freezing water groping
for the shut-off valve, which is hidden in an
awkward location.
Soup and gravity
When you get a cup of potato soup at work and set
it on your desk, don't open the cabinet directly
above the soup and try to grab a tablet of paper.
When the tablet slips from your hand it will fall
onto the soup and flip the soupspoon and cup into a
cascade, which splatters over your face, your suit
jacket, your tie, your computer screen and your
computer keyboard. It will be difficult to properly
clean it from your face and clothes, and even more
difficult to explain to the computing support
personnel why your keyboard has chunks of potato
within it.
Hiding places
When you are small in stature, and are playing
hide-and-go-seek, don't try to hide behind a
curtain in front of the home furnace. The electric
wires that have a small exposed section will find
that your body can be used to complete a circuit.
It is very difficult to keep quiet after receiving
a shock from a 220-volt line.
Eating places
When you are visiting out of town, don't be lured
into a restaurant by an advertisement about
breakfast for $1.99, even if it is eggs and hash
brown potatoes. The grease on the windows, the
cloud of flies, and the dirty silverware should tip
you off that it is not a good place to eat.
Besides, it makes your guests sick to watch you eat
the slimy, runny eggs, raw hash browns, burnt toast
and coffee with a film of oil on its
surface.
Taking Orders over the
phone
When you do silk-screening of bumper stickers, be
very careful when taking an order over the phone.
The two hundred "Save Sell Hill" bumper stickers
that took you two days to make will not satisfy the
customer when the hill they are trying to save is
"Fell Hill".
Seating Arrangements
When stopping for lunch on a hot summer afternoon, be careful how you arrange your group. If you select to sit outside on a picnic table under a large umbrella, don't let everyone sit on the same side of the table. When a breeze catches the umbrella, it will be enough to start to lift the table. The table will slowly tip up and over, casting everyone on their backsides and spilling the lunch on the ground. Other lunch guests at the restaurant will have to rescue you, adding to your embarrassment.
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